Ill Will and Everything Else

Australia

2011-01-23T22:02:00.000-05:00

To anyone I knew and cared about in Australia, I hope you're safe and well. Stay dry.

New York State Senate approves Ultimate Fighting - Bruno to fight Spitzer in comeback bid

2010-07-27T22:43:00.001-04:00

ALBANY, N.Y., July 29 -- A Wednesday vote went the right way for sports enthusiasts in Albany. For the first time in years, mixed martial arts boxing will be legal in the State Senate. After the 32-25 senate vote, the bill will go to the State Assembly for their consideration.

Governor Paterson has shown support for sanctioning ultimate fighting. "Legalization of mixed martial arts boxing will bring new, and much needed, tax revenue to the State of New York," the Governor said in a press conference today. "I am wholly in favor of it... I can't wait for it to start. Ultimate Fighting is going to save this state, you watch... I... I... Just please don't hit me! I can't see very well and I just want to go home! Please!"

Dana White, president of Ultimate Fighting Championship, who lobbied for Ultimate Fighting to be legalized in sporting arenas was caught off-guard by the Senate's measure. "Look, I'm all for mixed martial arts, but I want it in a place where we can sell seats. How many people can we fit in the State Senate chamber anyway? How do we set up the cameras if the fights can happen anywhere in the room?"

The first Main Event will feature two bitter political rivals, former State Senate Majority Leader, Joseph L. Bruno and former New York State Governor, Eliot Spitzer.

"That little spoiled brat is finally going to get the good, old-fashioned ass-kicking he deserves. I'm going to beat him senseless and send him back to mommy," said Mr. Bruno as he bobbed and weaved, avoiding a pack of swarming FBI agents.

"I'm a little spoiled brat and I'm finally going to get the good, old-fashioned ass-kicking I deserve. He's going to beat me senseless! I'm so excited!" replied Mr. Spitzer, who was sporting fishnet stockings and a leather mask.

"It's time to put an end to this," said Senator Hiram Monserrate, a featured fighter on the Undercard. "The corruption of the Democratic leadership under Malcolm Smith is no match for the cold steel of my blade. Malcolm 'the Majority Leader' Smith will feel the wrath of Hiram 'the Slasher' Monserrate!"

One of the under card matches is a surprise pairing of former cross-aisle allies, Senator Dean "Mr. Sweaty" Skelos (R) and Senator Pedro "The Commuter" Espada (D). "Things had been tense between these two for months. It'll be great to see them go toe-to-toe at UFC Albany," said Governor Paterson.

"Hell hath no fury like a Republican scorned!" exclaimed Senator Dean Skelos. "Thou shalt feel my rod and my staff on your tax-and-spending, melon-shaped head!"

Senator Espada was not available anywhere in his district for comment, but did broadcast a message on YouTube from an undisclosed location. "Dean Skelos talks a good game, but he has to find me first. Then I'll teach him the meaning of the word 'respect...' Hey, where is the nearest CVS? I have to get the guy at the counter to photoshop my head so it looks like I was at a Yankee game."

Enthusiasm has spread to the State Assembly, where Sheldon Silver has promised to fight in the octagon, lose badly, and then hire his own law firm to sue his victorious opponents.

For more information, please see this article.

Congressman Nixon Apologizes to Führer Dönitz for American Imposition

2010-06-17T22:05:00.002-04:00

BERLIN, October 10 – In a subcommittee hearing this morning, freshman Congressman Richard Nixon (R-CA) formally apologized to surviving Third Reich leader Karl Dönitz for invading occupied France.

Bucking the trend of blaming Nazi leadership for invading other countries, looting their resources, raping and murdering their citizens, and admonishing them for committing genocide, the Gentleman from California made a formal statement to the convicted war criminals.

“I am ashamed at what happened at Normandy two years ago,” said Mr. Nixon in an open session. With a red face and a sweaty upper lip, Mr. Nixon proceeded with his two-minute statement, requesting forgiveness for Allied invasion of Vichy in June 1944. “Sure, there was tension, and you were definitely in the wrong for bombing London, but to make you victims of a one-size-fits-all federal government that was out to squeeze you from the outset… that was wrong, sir. That was worse.”

While most congressmen and senators were reviled by Congressman Nixon’s statements, other politicians shared his sentiment. Governor Strom Thurmond of South Carolina, in an interview with CBS’ Edward R. Murrow, spoke openly to Mr. Dönitz. “Herr Dönitz is not to blame for murdering twenty million people. These are the risks you take when you engage in a war. We were out-of-line when we freed those slaves from your labor camps. Sorry.”

“This is a tragedy of astronomical proportions. An entire country has been bullied into non-existence by our socialist-communist administration. Entire industries – destroyed,” said Senator Joseph McCarthy. “Make no mistake, my fellow Americans, this inefficient, large-scale government will victimize you, just like they victimized the SS.”

This marks the latest in a series of strange apologies that began in 1933 when late Chicago Mayor Anton Cermak apologized to Giuseppe Zangara for taking the bullet meant for President Roosevelt. Mr. Zangara accepted the apology.

NBC: Gary Coleman to Star in Fall Situation Comedy

2010-06-05T00:19:00.002-04:00

NEW YORK, June 7 -- Former child star Gary Coleman will be starring in a brand-new show in NBC's Fall 2010 lineup, according to NBC spokesmen. The situation comedy, "Book Learnin'" will feature Mr. Coleman as a community college professor who inspires inner-city children to succeed academically and in their daily lives. This will mark almost twenty-five years since Mr. Coleman's last television series, "Diff'rent Strokes."

"I've been looking for a project that would get me back into television. At first I was hesitant to get back in bed with NBC, but when I saw the script I knew I this was an opportunity I could not pass up," an emotional Mr. Coleman said. "I am so glad that the producers approached me with this."

"For years the entertainment community has turned its back on Gary, and for no good reason. He is, and always has been, a major talent. When I saw that Gary was attached to this project, I just knew we had to greenlight it," said Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC's entertainment division.

"Book Learnin'" features Mr. Coleman in his first starring role in more than twenty years. In the show, Mr. Coleman will portray Professor Merwyn Cates, a prestigious Ivy-League professor who chooses to leave the ivory tower of upper academia to take a job teaching History at an inner-city community college in Chicago.

"These days it seems like every TV protagonist has to be flawed in a major way, as if it's cool to have your hero act like a jerk. My character isn't a jerk. There are no questions as to why my character is doing what he is doing teaching these kids," said Mr. Coleman. "He is just a great guy, and by being as good as he is, he inspires his students to be great people, too. It also helps that he's really funny!"

Surprisingly, Mr. Coleman's parents have joined the project as executive producers for the series. This is extraordinary as Mr. Coleman has repeatedly accused his parents of absconding with his multi-million dollar fortune to the point of self-parody. "I've learned that it doesn't pay to hold grudges and stay angry at my parents. It's hard enough going through life with this constant anger, I was so tired of it... so I decided to let bygones be bygones, and it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders."

"We love our son and we are so happy that he has forgiven us," said Sue Coleman, Mr. Coleman's formerly estranged mother. "I look forward to working with Gary everyday and getting to tell him I love him everyday and how proud of him we all are."

"Book Learnin'" will air Thursday nights at 9pm Eastern/8pm Central and Mountain on NBC, debuting on Sept 16th.

A Whole New World and a Whole New Venue

2010-05-28T21:52:00.000-04:00

Hello folks. In an effort to gain a little more exposure, I've decided to add some of my content to the Open Salon web site.

Open Salon is run by Salon.com, my favorite internet news source. The Open Salon site is free to read and they have some awfully intelligent people writing there.

So while I am blogging here, I will also be reproducing my content simultaneously over there.

Please tell your friends to visit my satellite blog at http://open.salon.com/blog/ill_will

On that site you can share, make comments, vote, rate, and if you're inclined, send me a tip that will subsidize my girlfriend's nicotine patches. Don't get me wrong, I am not soliciting for money... but if say, you had a request for a subject for me to tackle, or more specifically, a person you would like me to denigrate -- any person... he/she doesn't even have to be famous, he/she could just be your boss... I don't care -- then let's just say a little goes a long way.

Ill Will loves you. Don't forget it. Tell your friends you love him back.

NYS GOV Patterson to Slash Alphabet in Latest Budget-Cutting Scheme

2010-05-19T22:31:00.004-04:00

ALBANY, NY -- Governor David Paterson (D-NY), in an effort to make up a budget shortfall of almost $18 billion, has declared that he will cut state funding for vowels. In a press conference in Albany, Governor Paterson announced the cuts that will affect the classic Roman alphabet letters, A, E, I, O, U and Y. The cuts will be made effective by the end of the next paragraph.

“This is a decision that nobody wanted, but it needed to be made. By eliminating these vowels, the state will save approximately $7 million in this fiscal year alone,“ said the Governor. When asked about the fate of the letter Y, which often functions as a vowel, the Governor stated that emergency funding will be made available in the event the Y must be used as a consonant. “Otherwise,” he said, “all state communications, including oral, will be limited to consonants that do not include Ys.”

This is the latest in a series of cuts the Governor has made to keep the crestfallen state government afloat, and the move has angered his critics, most notably, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “There is no doubt the governor means well, but like all the other cuts he has made, removing vowels from the alphabet is incredibly misguided and will disproportionately hurt those in New York City and its surrounding areas the most.”

White Plains mayor Adam Bradley, who spoke to reporters while paramedics tended to his swollen knuckles, agreed with Mayor Bloomberg. “Really… this will cripple us. While those counties north of Westchester, Orange and Rockland may not feel the effects of these cuts, we will. Unlike them, we can read.”

In the meantime, Mayor Bloomberg has volunteered to dip into his own personal fortune to make up for the state moneys that the City will not be receiving. “If it means keeping vowels in the communications of the City of New York, I will most assuredly pay the difference – just as soon as someone finds me my change purse.“

Mr. Paterson’s nominal political opponents are divided on the issue of vowel cutting. Some moderate Republicans have applauded the cuts, stating that it is a step in the right direction. Others claim that it is too little, too late.

Citing former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s policy of making all communications less than 140 characters, New York State Assembly Minority Leader Brian Kolb (R-129^th District) issued the following statement, “Thiz iz bul. U ned vowls. U cn cut da alphbt & stil hv nuff rm 2 mk ur stmnts lejble. Tme&tme agn guv fals 2 step up 2 da pl8 fr NYS txpyrs.”

Other New York State politicos have weighed in, including perennial Independence Party gubernatorial candidate Tom Golisano, who took a break from skinning and roasting a migrant worker to speak with Brit Hume of Fox News. “For years, we’ve been leading the fight not only to eliminate vowels, but also consonants, which have plagued the state since its inception. We’ve said this before, we already have all of these numbers. We can use numbers to communicate. After all, it’s only common sense.”

When asked to illustrate how a strictly numerical alphabet would work, Mr. Golisano produced a calculator and typed 58008, which when turned upside down, displays the word, “boobs.” “This is only the beginning,” stated Mr. Golisano.

“NYrs mst mk d w/cnsnnts ntl cnmy mprvs,” Governor Paterson reiterated. “Ths s sd dy n NYS hstry.”

These are the most severe cuts since March, when all New York State public school teachers had their personal assets seized by Albany, were slaughtered and subsequently recycled to produce Soylent Green.

Bartering for Healthcare – A True Story

2010-04-27T23:01:00.004-04:00

While many liberals are either laughing at or flummoxed by Nevada senatorial candidate Sue Lowden’s idea to barter with doctors for healthcare, I would have to say her idea has some merit.

I know of an example when my friend, a podiatrist, was called to the hospital to perform an emergency surgery to save a man’s toe. The poor man did not have health insurance but was not without means, as he was an executive chef at a rather pricey restaurant. The podiatrist traded his services to the chef for a free meal every now and again. The chef kept his toe and retained full range of motion, and the podiatrist was able to take his family for a nice dinner… and none of them had to pay any tax. It all worked out in the end, until the podiatrist ate the poor chef out of business. That boy can eat.

“Doctors are very sympathetic people,” explains Ms. Lowden.

She’s right. I remember a time when I was a poor student in Ohio and my HMO-referred specialist decided to cut off the supply of medication she prescribed me and then refused to return my phone calls. “What a great gal,” I repeated to myself as I shivered with fever, shitting my pants for two weeks while my HMO took its time finding me another specialist. “I wish her all the good luck in the world. Yasher Koach, Tonton Macoute.”

Sometimes doctors are sympathetic, and some do barter. My friend “Bo” had an experience with a gastroenterologist that was so worth noting that I have completely reconstructed their negotiations.

BO: Thanks, Doc. I feel so much better now.

GE: That’s why I’m here, fella. So how will you be settling with us?
Cash? Credit? Check?

BO: I’m over the limit on my credit card and I’d write you a check,
but it would bounce like a rubber biscuit.

GE: What about cash?

BO: I said my check would bounce like a rubber biscuit.

GE: Right. So what are we going to do, Bo?

BO: Well, I have some ideas, if you’ll indulge me…

GE: Hey, the more we talk, the more I bill… so have at it!

BO: I was thinking that maybe I could bring you a chicken…

GE: A chicken?

BO: Yeah, you know, for your trouble…

GE:   My hypo-allergenic latex gloves cost more than your chicken, and
          frankly I’m at a loss as to where in New York City you’re going to find
          me a live chicken. Do you own a farm upstate or something?

BO:   No, I was just going to pick one up at Gristede’s. A rotisserie?
          I hear their deli counter makes an excellent fried chicken…
          or maybe barbecued?

GE: I see… and how will we be taking care of the other $692?

BO: Oh… OK. Well, I can paint your house…

GE: I live in an apartment.

BO: I can paint your apartment…

GE: I rent.

BO: I can grow you some alfalfa… or something…

GE: (sigh)

BO: I got it! I can wash your car!

GE: I don’t own a car. I take taxis.

BO: I can drive you for free!

GE: You have a car?

BO: No, but you can ride me piggy-back and I’ll take you wherever you want to go!

GE: Not happening.

BO: I can wash your clothes.

GE: What?

BO: In my bathtub… if you supply the soap.

GE: No.

BO: Well, I’m trying to think of…

GE:   Excuse me, I hate to cut you off, but do you think
        I can pay off my $300,000 in student loans with poultry?
   Can I tender your promises of a car wash to my malpractice
        insurer as payment? How many loads of laundry do you
       think my receptionist needs in order to break
       even on her rent? Do you see where I’m going with this?

BO: Hey, I…

GE:   I have to tell you, Bo, I have a lot of expenses and they just
        can’t be paid away with paint jobs, or car washes… or chickens…
        or any other immaterial task that plays upon my sympathy
        while leaving me too broke to pay my doctors.
        Don’t you have anything material you can trade with me?

BO: If I had cash, I could get you something material… but as such… no.

GE: You see, Bo, therein lies the rub. Usually people who don’t have cash ALSO don’t have
something to trade. Of course there is something else we can talk about.
You see, Bo, I think you have potential.

BO: Potential – really?

GE: Yes, really, Bo. I’ve seen something inside you that’s special… so special.

BO: Tell me, doc… what is it?

GE: Bo, you are privileged. I don’t know how else to say this… except that
God gave you the anus of a 12 year-old boy.

BO: Uh-oh.

GE: You see, bartering has gone on for centuries, in some way or another,
but always in this way. I mean, just ask Kofi Annan.

BO: You can’t be serious.

GE: Look, it’s only a matter of time until your asshole is all you have left.
You may as well use it now.

BO: Hey, I don’t swing that way!

GE: Neither do I. I’m not asking you for me – I’m asking you for my
mother’s auto mechanic, who is a top.

BO: This negotiation has devolved. I’m –

GE: He said that he’s looking for someone to give him a “blumpkin.” What is that?

BO: You’re freaking me out…

GE: He’s pretty well built. You’re not exactly banging a troll here…

BO: This is absolutely inappropriate…

GE: Look, his name is Gianni. He’s a really nice guy. He’s not even hairy.

BO: (sigh) Oh well. I guess this is easier than dealing with United Healthcare…

(ba-dum-bump)

Attack of the Whining Pussies

2010-04-22T23:04:00.006-04:00

There is a storm gathering in America. Its winds are blowing from Alaska to Florida, from California to Maine, and Florida to New York. This storm and its winds are spreading across the country like a coordinated series of loud farts.

The tea-partiers made a huge statement this week. Nobody is quite clear what that statement was exactly. It was really just a lot of noise.

The Government is Swallowing the Entire Health Insurance Industry

Those evil bastards. How dare they… the gall of them to think that the government can administer health insurance cheaper and more effectively than private industry. Most of the folks in that protest are either old enough or crazy enough to have the evil federal government administer their health insurance... and they love it. The rest of them were mad because now everyone will be forced to buy health insurance.

"Damn socialists. If only this wasn’t originally a Republican proposal, we’d actually have a point!”

Taxes

These same people are saying they’re being “taxed enough already.” The problem is that taxes have only gotten lower, which they should love.

Incidentally, some might put the point forward that because federal taxes are too low, state and local taxes need to be raised to remedy the shortfall created by this terrible economy. Those people are evil. Of course, you can only cut taxes so much before you don’t have any government revenue to provide for the common good, unless you don’t care about the common good.

The White House is now entertaining the concept of a “value-added” tax. Most of Europe has the tax and it seems to work pretty well. Of course the idea of actually raising money by being fiscally responsible (e.g., earning the revenue before you spend it, say on two wars…) is so abhorrent that the President has dismissed it out of hand… a little bit.

The Senate has passed a resolution (85-13) stating that a value added tax is "a massive tax increase that will cripple families on fixed income and only further push back America's economic recovery." Now that’s a bold statement. Incidentally, directly after that vote, the Senate passed a resolution (78-22) that “cancer is bad.” (Question: Why did Bernie Sanders vote no on both?)

Gun Control

Then we have the gun-nuts. On April 19th, they gathered in areas in and around D.C. to protest the new gun laws that don’t actually exist. In fact, and this has been pointed out by pundits who are much smarter (and more responsive) than I, that the only reason they are allowed to carry guns at their protests is because Obama has expanded gun rights to allow them to carry in national parks.

By the way, if anyone ever showed up at an anti-Bush rally with a gun, he would have been immediately arrested, thrown into a government van, and shipped off to a black prison in Uzbekistan. In that prison, he would be boiled to death and fed to the other prisoners who are waiting to be boiled to death.

The President, Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader are all Communists and Fascists

The thing about communism and fascism -- you may surmise that the two are very different. Communism has the philosophy of servitude to the state while conforming to a set of communal ideals which stresses collective action. They have a command economy that is controlled centrally.

Fascist philosophy involves servitude to the leader as a representation of a specific race or nationalist movement that commands uniformity and decries individuality. They have free markets… for those who are recognized as not being enemies of the state and sent to death camps.

The only thing they have in common is that both are ruled centrally by a corrupt, oppressive, unelected, non-representative leadership. This is the major quality of authoritarianism or totalitarianism. Are you listening Tea Partiers?

Our president was elected by both electoral and popular majority. So there. Learn the difference.

There was another president that was elected without popular majority, and as it turned out, not really electoral majority? In fact, as it turned out, this president was elected out of a majority of nine un-elected officials. Can you guess who that was? Does a specific name come to mind? We don’t need to name names, do we? One question… where were you then? Where were the threats of violent revolution?

The Right Wing Echo Chamber Response to the Mainstream Media Coverage

Fox News asks the question, “Why doesn’t the mainstream media show the crazies in the left-wing protests like they do in the right-wing protests?”

For years I couldn’t answer this question… mostly because it wasn’t true. It's different these days, in that it is true -- the nutty right-wing protesters are definitely being shown on TV more than the nutty left-wing protesters.

Want to know the reason why? The answer is profound. Are you ready? There is a very big difference between left wing and right wing protests.

The difference between left-wing protests and right-wing protests is that right-wing protesters are armed.

Guns and angry people who carry them will always attract more attention. While I may be worried that an unwashed hippie might attack me with a burning flag, I am ten times as worried that an unwashed hick will blow my head off for being a Jew. I don’t think I’m out of line in saying this.

So, Fox News, as my teachers used to tell me, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. If I thought you didn’t know any better, I’d think you were stupid. I know you’re not stupid… you’re just incredibly disingenuous. Knowing the answer to your question and feigning being confounded by it just shows how stupid you think your audience is… and you’re right… your audience is incredibly stupid.

What is truly confounding is that most tea-partiers are fervently anti-Gay… yet they dress up in costumes and go on parades. Why don't you ask that question, douchebags?

Finally, I have to say that it's strange that these people feel that they are being taxed "without representation." We have elections constantly. It's almost annoying. You're represented just like the rest of us. You just lost this time, you whiny bitches. Grow up.

Anyway, I loved the protests. It is great to see crazy people, armed or not, if only to make sure they are not related to you... or live next door.

Postscript: Sorry about the wait in between posts. I had to get my shit together. I also want to apologize for the obvious rustiness. I'll get back to form soon.

... and then the Robot Pulled a Knife

2010-02-20T14:06:00.007-05:00

I saw Avatar at a 3-D IMAX theater this Monday, and after a significant period of nausea, was finally able to enjoy it.

Nobody likes a critic with an upturned nose. In fact, one of my favorite characteristics as a Jew is that my nose more is hook than pig. You need to understand that even though I was skeptical of Avatar before I saw it, I really latched on to it once I saw the blue people with the magic ponytails. They were great.

It really says something about Cameron that he could create a race of people, illustrate them, give them their own facial expressions, turn them blue and convince you effectively, for almost three hours, that they actually exist. It’s called willful suspension of disbelief, and it’s a literary formula utilized by every author of every piece of fiction ever created.

Throughout the film I was able to keep that suspension going.

Oh, it was tested. Trust me.

First, let me just say that Mr. Cameron did everything he could to make the aliens sexy, but he failed, and he also failed to make them sexual. Case in point – no nip-slips. Zoe Saldana ran around for two hours with nothing but a tiny piece of loose cloth for a top and that top did not move at all. I wanted to see what an alien nipple looked like and never did.

Also, the male avatars only wore tiny, loose, loincloths. Now, I’m not gay, and more importantly, I’m not into blue people, but I was still so curious to see what alien balls looked like. I don’t care how tight those loincloths were, if you jump from enough trees onto dragons, your balls are going to flop around. No balls got loose in Avatar… sorry ladies.

But the alien elements didn’t challenge my suspension of disbelief – it was the human element.

For instance, within the context of the film, it is believable that there is a nine foot-tall, blue avatar representation of a human being. It is a problem, however, when the blue, nine-foot avatar representation of a human being is wearing a Stanford University t-shirt. Excuse me, but does one alumnus cum-avatar-representation justify the production of a new t-shirt size? Where did she pick up one of those Size A(vatar) Stanford t-shirts?

The final nail in the coffin of my willful suspension of disbelief was hammered home in a hand-to-hand combat scene between an Avatar and a human being who was utilizing a giant robot warrior exoskeleton. I can dig it. I saw Aliens, and when Sigourney Weaver used a robot exoskeleton to kill the Alien Queen, I was on-board the entire way.

What set me over the edge in the similar scene in Avatar, was when the man in the exoskeleton pulled a giant robot hunting knife. Excuse me… what is a robot doing with a knife? More importantly, why does he have a hunting knife? And he pulled it out from nowhere. No worries, though. I’m sure it will be in the deleted scenes of the DVD release. In fact, I have a transcript.

ENGINEER: So, Colonel, is everything copacetic with
your giant, robot exoskeleton killing machine?

COLONEL: I’d have to say it is, but there is something missing…
Ah, a knife!

ENGINEER: A knife? What would you…

COLONEL: Yeah, a hunting knife!

ENGINEER: Why a knife… why a hunting knife?

COLONEL: You know, for battle.

ENGINEER: OK, well we have this other function that will
                    extend a blade from the elbow through the palm
                    of the hand. It’s bigger and sharper than a
                    hunting knife and it fits neatly within the arm -–

COLONEL: Bullshit, I want to be able to pull a hunting knife in battle!

ENGINEER: They don’t make hunting knives in your size, Colonel,
and this extendo-blade gives you incredible versatility –-

COLONEL: No, I want to be able to PULL a knife!

ENGINEER: Pull it from where?

COLONEL: From my belt!

ENGINEER: Robots don’t have belts!

COLONEL: Well, why not?!

ENGINEER: Because they don’t have pants!

COLONEL:   Horseshit! I want my giant, robotic exoskeleton
                    killing machine to have a belt, a sheath...
                    don’t forget a sheath, and a giant hunting knife!

ENGINEER: You want a belt and a sheath… Gevalt…
Now I have to go find some giant cows for leather…
Hey, how about a matching hat, you fucking idiot?

So, in summation, there are problems with Avatar, but as a whole a great movie. Have fun.

Fun with Israeli Hate Cartoons

2010-02-10T09:16:00.002-05:00

This morning I woke up to find a strange, hateful, political cartoon on my facebook news feed page that wasn't American.

Regrettably, I don't speak Hebrew anymore. I had to ask my always helpful Israeli cousin for the translation, which reads, "If you will it, it is no dream," which for those of you who haven't seen The Big Lebowski, is a famous quote by Theodor Hertzl, the quasi-George Washington of the State of Israel. Supposedly, this cartoon depicts Ol' Man Hertzl stabbing a present-day, left-wing, female, Israeli politician, who is depicted as a dragon.

Now, I am from the school that you never make fun of a woman's looks (unless that woman is Sarah Palin). It is rude and ungentlemanly. It is also a no-no for me to depict cartoon violence against an actual person, and even more so, a woman. It gives me the creeps.

I'm also not a bonafide Israeli history buff, but from what I remember from Hebrew school, Hertzl was remembered more for his vision and leadership, not for his spearmanship or stabbing ability. I would have remembered that. They were really into teaching us smiting at Hebrew school.

But the worst part of this cartoon isn't its intent, but, and please forgive the pun, its execution. I have no idea who these people are, but I should be able to tell what's going on, at least in a general sense. I can't. I had to find out in an article what was actually happening in that cartoon. Does that even look like a sword or spear to you? Is there any expression at all on Hertzl's face? Why is the dragon bleeding water? In American political cartoons, if the identity of a character is not apparent, his name will be written on or next to him. Not here. Hertzl looks like your average depiction of a Hasidic Jew here. Sure, the "If you build it, he will come" text may make him slightly easier to identify, but overall, this cartoon is what a critic might call "piss-poor."

On the other side of the coin, my inability to read Hebrew and the vagueness of the events of this cartoon allow me to insert my own translated captions. Enjoy.

"I'm not touching you with a ten-foot pole until you pop that thing!"

"I know we're alone, but this is still the only way we can dance together!"

"Nobody will do the Limbo until you tuck in your tail!"

"Fine, the next time we role-play, I'll be the dragon and you can be St. George.
That costume doesn't even fit me anyway. We look ridiculous like this!"

I invite you all to write your own captions for this hideous piece of artwork. It's not a contest because I don't have a prize to give you, but why not compete out of a sense of sport.

"Mom, I did my homework. Let me go pole vault!"

See, the possibilities are endless.

Missionaries -- Over There, Not Here - Part 2

2010-02-04T19:43:00.005-05:00

One of the most offensive things about proselytizing is the missionary who believes, with full confidence, that she is right. This, of course, implies that you are wrong. There is no changing her mind. She is unshakable. Her commitment to her truth is so firmly in place that even if she encountered GOD, she would attempt to convert him.

MISSIONARY: No, God, only through the power of Christ can You achieve the Kingdom of Heaven. There is no getting into heaven without Jesus' love.

GOD: But I was just there. In fact, I am omnipresent, so I am there right now.

MISSIONARY: OK, now You're making fun of me. But Jesus knows You are capable of becoming a person of pure love and divinity.

GOD: He'd better, or I'll send him to his room without any dinner... But seriously, I am pure love and divinity. I am the very definition of divine. What are you insinuating?

MISSIONARY: I am sure that You believe that You are divine, but only through the power and mercy of Jesus --

GOD: OK, you're starting to piss Me off. Do you want an angry God? I can be an angry God. Just ask the Egyptians. I gave it to them good. Now I know you mean well, but if you persist in this foolishness, I will turn your knees backwards so you walk like a flamingo. Do you want that?

MISSIONARY: OK, I can see You have a sense of humor. Jesus loves You any-- AARRGGGHHHH!

GOD: There you go. Try walking up people's front steps with those. Jesus, what a %&**head!

JESUS: I know, I know.

* * *

So, Baptists were arrested for attempting to smuggle 30 children out of Haiti. Who didn't see that coming?

But those missionaries, they're always right. They don't even have to check with the Haitian police first. God will protect them from the border patrol. God will help them circumvent international law and every other institution designed to protect children from exploitation. They have a personal relationship with God. They know that up and leaving with a bunch of Haitian kids was the right thing to do.

To take kids from a foreign country without straightening it out with the authorities? Even Madonna had to go through the legal system in Malawi, and they didn't even have one. They had to create a legal system just to give her a hard time.

Taking children from Haiti without acknowledging government authority, even with good intentions, is pure hubris. They may not have much of an infrastructure, but they have laws, too, believe it or not. How dare you? Who are you to decide what to do with these children? You couldn't just feed them or give them water? You had to try to remove them. You deserve everything you get.

Imagine the prison food in Haiti. Blecchhh.

Missionaries -- Over There, Not Here.

2010-02-01T00:09:00.007-05:00

It has been a week or two now since the earthquake destroyed Port au Prince and John Travolta flew his 747 in and distributed a whole bunch of food, water and Thetans to starving Haitians. Some pundits were impressed by his solo humanitarian effort. Others thought that Tony Manero had some nerve taking advantage of people who, in serious need, would accept any philosophy so long as they could eat.

Frankly, that’s an insult to the intelligence, will-power and sense of identity of the Haitians who need help. I know that if I was an earthquake victim and I desperately needed food, if John Travolta showed up with his giant, look-at-me, plane and gave me some Twinkies I would eat them, and then I wouldn’t become a Scientologist. Why not? Because it’s a silly fucking religion. I know that. I’m intelligent, I know who I am and I won’t be convinced to join a bizarre cult.

Not that the other religions are any better than Scientology, but I would specifically deny Scientology and specifically John Travolta because I will not relinquish my identity to an asshole with his own giant passenger jet. Maybe I would take financial advice from him, but past that I would simply thank him and steal extra Twinkies while he’s looking for extra pamphlets to give me. Why not? I’m an earthquake victim, I’m hungry and I deserve it.

But the voices of hate that came out against John Travolta for bringing aid to starving Haitians were completely undeserved. He did a good thing, just like the other Christian and Catholic missionaries did when they showed up with their food, water and Bibles. And this was noted – by many. The defense of John Travolta was taken up by many voices more intelligent than mine. In fact, this is the first time I’ve even expressed anything about this in print or by voice. Nobody asked me and I didn’t care to bring it up. I’m a bit late with this, asshole. Sorry.

Anyway, I don’t care that we have religious missionaries going to Haiti or any other poor country. It only helps these countries to have wells with clean water, farming equipment and the ability to read. If they take up the religion, that’s fine, too. I don’t care. Missionaries do good work most of the time. Sure, sometimes things can go wrong, but hey, when they do it over there, things don’t go wrong here… and that is my point.

Let them go to Haiti, or Africa, or the Philippines. Let them try to convert all the poor people they want. Good luck to them. If they get murdered by paramilitary thugs, then that’s the risk they take when they impose their beliefs on people, and they know those risks. Whatever they’re willing to do and wherever they’re willing to go, so long as they know the risks, it is fine with me – so long as the missionaries aren’t here. I don’t want them in my life.

They bother me because I don’t need their help. They know I don’t need their help, too. They show up at my door with pamphlets – no food or water, just pamphlets. And if I tell them I’m fine, they just continue to harass me. When I moved to New York City after college, I was extraordinarily polite to them. No thank you… good luck to you… hope you do well today… fuck off, why don’t you? (Hey, by NY standards, I was a saint.) But as they got worse, I got worse.

After a year or two living in the city, I was walking down 11th Avenue to get to the ferry, and this guy walked behind me and remarked about what a beautiful morning it was. Then he asked me what my last name was and for some reason I told him… I don’t know, I must have been hung over or something. He told me how interesting my last name was, then he gave me his card and offered to bring me to his Mormon history hut so we could research my ancestry. I nodded and stabbed him on principle.

As he lay on the sidewalk on 11th Avenue and 43rd Street bleeding and wheezing – apparently I punctured a lung -- I told him that it was rude to assume that I was searching for some meaning that I didn’t already have or didn’t want. He didn’t really respond, he just stared up at me in panic and shock. I showed him that I was keeping his card and told him to forget my interesting name or I would go to his Mormon history hut and burn it to the ground. He nodded and I motioned to the laughing UPS workers across the street that they could now feel free to pick his pockets. I then continued along my path to the ferry with a spring in my step, knowing I had done a mitzvah.

A year or two later I was living in Astoria and two ladies came to my door and pushed Watchtower pamphlets on me. I told them I didn’t speak English… in perfect English. They tried speaking to me in Spanish. I let them know I didn’t speak Spanish… in perfect Spanish. Then the pizza guy came and I thanked him in perfect English and perfect Spanish. As the missionaries’ faces turned red, I offered them some pizza using the ancient technique of pantomiming and then I whipped the pizza back out of their reach. They looked at me in bizarre wonder. Then I gave them the finger. I don’t know, maybe my little act went too far… maybe I just should have stabbed them.

There is something that missionaries do not understand. No matter how many times doors are slammed in their faces, or they’re cursed at, or ignored, they just don’t get it. Proselytizing is rude. You’re interrupting whatever the hell it is we’re doing. Even if we don’t happen to be doing anything, you’re still imposing and you should know better. Do you think we don’t see the churches? Do you think we don’t know where they are? It’s not like they’re hidden. Is there a cross on top of a church that is less than a mile high?

If I want to learn about religion, I’ll come to you. Remember, like a police officer, you never know what is on the other side of that door. I stopped stabbing people years ago, but I know plenty of people who haven’t. Anyway, I hear Mozambique is nice this time of year…

A Rare Honor and Privilege

2010-01-22T23:53:00.001-05:00

I received this in the mail today. You know, it's not often that I get this type of recognition for all the work I do for the Republican Party, or as I like to call them -- "da Gopp."

Who knew Reagan founded anything?

Either way, I'm honored. Let this be a lesson to you all. If you do nothing, and make no effort from within the Republican party, you will succeed so long as they have your name and address.

I HAVE JOHN CORNYN's AUTOGRAPH! BEAT THAT!

OK, folks. Just thought I'd share my good news with you.

By the way, I'm a registered Democrat. I've voted and contributed to a Republican candidate or two, but never on a state or national level. I guess they just like me.

We Do Not Want You Here

2010-01-20T22:41:00.001-05:00

As politically correct as I like to think I am, there are certain types of people that I just can’t abide. They come from a region that is known as lawless and corrupt, rife with all kinds of gambling, prostitution and drug dealing. They come to this area, and yes, some of them work hard and deserve the benefits of our other residents, but frankly -- and let’s not kid ourselves -- some of them are just scum and we shouldn’t allow them here.

Cases in Point:

1. Luis Vasquez, 31 and Axel Rodriguez, 23

        These two men came to Staten Island and skimmed almost $30,000 from different
        merchants along their armored car route. It’s sad to see this kind of crime being
        committed against local business owners with employees who work hard to earn the
        money that these people are brazen enough to steal.

2. Elio Pintado, 37

        Another prime example of the filth these people our neighbors to the South produce.
        This one played “hide-the-pinky” with a seven year-old at a movie theater. He did it
        before and now he’s done it again. Just like the other two born criminals, he came
        over the border with no resistance just to commit this horrible crime.

And they’re not alone… scores of them come over the border every day and commit all kinds of crimes – murder, rape, driving under the influence, littering… but you know all about it.

Question: Do we need these people to commit another crime before we act on something we already know to be true?

Hey, I’m a pretty liberal guy, but even I can see that these people don’t belong here. Given the same rights of every other resident – residents who actually pay taxes here – these people abuse our lax borders and easy access to the goods and services this area provides. They are not to be trusted and their movements here need to be closely monitored.

You know who I’m talking about? That’s right. I’m talking about… people from New Jersey.

I live in a small New York border town. I can spit and hit New Jersey, or as I like to call it, the "Smells-Like-Ass" State. Everything that is evil comes from New Jersey, including the mafia and Donald Trump.

OK, some of you might have family and friends in New Jersey, and that is fine. I’m sure your friends aren’t killers or in some horrible rock band that should have been put to pasture twenty years ago -- but they know to stay on their side of the border, don’t they?

We just have to be able to control who comes in and out. It’s a different culture down there. They don’t share our values. They barely share a language. Have you ever heard them talk? It’s a goddamn travesty.

Hey, I’m not saying New Jersey is all bad. After all, there isn’t a better place to go to get gas. It’s cheaper there than anywhere else in the Northeast. And unlike here, they don’t charge sales tax on clothes. See, I’m no bigot. I appreciate what our neighbors to the South have to offer.

But what we need to do is build a wall from Palisades to Port Jervis. A big wall. If we can get some of that stimulus money, I’d bet we could build a wall so big it will make the Great Wall of China look like the right field fence at a little league ballpark.

Yeah, we need a big wall -- a wall that will keep us safe from those savages from New Brunswick and the Hun from Hoboken. I want a wall so fucking big, we can see it from space. And when aliens from another planet finally become aware of us and decide to land at Newark Airport (obviously), they’ll have to marvel at our wall-related ingenuity as their hover-vehicles are meticulously stripped apart for contraband at the border crossing in Northvale.

That’s right. After the wall is built, we’ll be OK. Until then, I’ll be in the woods in Warwick with my .22 hunting for guys in gym suits -- in a killing way, not a gay way.

Celebrating Martin Luther King Day -- with Ill Will

2010-01-17T22:26:00.006-05:00

For those foreigners who may enjoy this blog (and I know there are at least five of you), Martin Luther King Day is a federal holiday that celebrates the life and work of a man who, through the use of oratory and non-violent protest, furthered the cause for racial, gender and ethnic equality. The world had not before, nor since, seen a man who, in the course of only 12 -15 years, raised awareness of injustice and fought for its end so effectively.

Sure, some of you think that Jesus may have a stronger case for this, and you have a valid point. I put it to you, however, that it is still in question that he actually existed. Personally, I think he did exist. Even so, we already have Christmas, Easter, Good Friday, Palm Thursday, Ash Wednesday, Wing-Night Tuesday, and Monday Monday. He doesn’t need another holiday. Nice guy, though – a real mensch.

For most of us, Martin Luther King became the symbol for the fight against universal oppression by racial and religious hegemony, government policy and the free market.

I’ve always felt a great sense of pride in my belief, fostered by my parents, in equality for all people, even Gypsies.

OK, I may still need to work on Gypsies. I don’t think I know any. In the event I do find out that one of my friends is a Gypsy, I will immediately approach him with my wallet in my front pocket, shake his hand, tell him that I am impressed he is so articulate, and mention to him – in an offhand manner – how much I enjoy Django Reinhardt and Gypsy Rose Lee.

Question: Are they even called Gypsies anymore? I've heard they preferred to be called Roma or Romany. Well, that’s just like them! But I’m resolved, as soon as I meet a Romany person, I will make him/her one of my best friends just so I can tell people, “Hey, one of my best friends is a Gypsy… er, Romany… and he’s good people… he’s alright.”

It would not be in keeping with the spirit of Ill Will and Everything Else just to praise Dr. King and celebrate this holiday. So as we, a nation, engage in a day of sedentary non-action in order to celebrate a man who epitomized non-violent protest (why do we always miss the point?), I would like to direct your attention to some people who may not be so pleased that the good Reverend Doctor King Jr. ever existed.

"When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either." Trent Lott

“The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons.” Rush Limbaugh

“Detaining all Muslims between the ages of 16 and 45 isn’t racial profiling, it’s criminal profiling.” Bill O’Reilly

“Do your duty. Make more babies… By far, the greatest number are Hispanic. You know what that means? Twenty-five years and the majority of the population is Hispanic. Why is that? Well, Hispanics are having more kids than others. Notably, the ones Hispanics call "gabachos" -- white people -- are having fewer.” John Gibson

“But basically, if you're talking about a day like today, Martin Luther King Junior Day, and you're gonna understand what civil rights has become, the con it's become in this country. It's a whole industry; it's a racket. It's a racket that is used to exploit primarily heterosexual, Christian, white males' birthright and steal from them what is their birthright and give it to people who didn't qualify for it.” Michael Savage (nee Weiner, and yes, he is Jewish)

What’s the lesson? The people who rallied against de-segregation and civil rights back then are still around. The names and faces may have changed. They may not use the n-word (as much), but they’re still here. Don’t fall for their claims of a “color-blind” philosophy.

What was evil then is still evil now. The fight for equality for all never stopped. I hope that wherever Dr. King is… well, I hope he has something better to do than watch us… we’ve gotten way pathetic with our Reality TV fetish.

2ND UPDATE: Backdoor Billed Yet Again - Are Any Sales Final These Days?

2010-01-13T19:48:00.001-05:00

OK, I paid the fucking bill. It's only $11.81.What am I going to do? I'll eventually need another blood test and LabCorp is the only provider under my insurance plan.

That doesn't mean I can't say, "Fuck you, LabCorp... you fuckin' fucks."

Anyway, I'm $11.81 poorer, but at least I can get a blood test. That's more than than I can say for 46,000,000 other Americans.

A Boy and His Needle

2010-01-12T19:57:00.008-05:00

Let me be the first to say this… I love steroids.

OK, so I’m not the first person to say that. I’m not that original. In my defense, however, I’m not the person who finds within himself the courage, the fortitude, and the single-minded righteousness to exclaim the safest and least controversial statements in the world about steroids… and this… and this.

I don’t judge athletes who choose to do whatever they need to do in order to earn the most money in what can only be described as the shortest and most limited arc in the history of career-dom. Most prostitutes can work well into their forties, but free agents in major league baseball rarely work more than ten years, and in the first four they’re kept out of the free market.

I believe in performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. I like it when players hit home runs. I like it when they run fast and throw hard. I also enjoy knowing that when I shell out the dough for an advance ticket, my favorite players will show up to the game because their new, Wolverine-like healing abilities are protecting them from the stress and fatigue-related injuries that accompany a 162-game season.

Mark McGwire used steroids during periods of his career, more or less, since his debut as a major leaguer. He denied it his entire career, even at one point defending his use of Androstenedione, a relatively harmless muscle-builder, as an ingeniously crafted smokescreen for the drugs he was really taking. To quote Shakespeare, this was “a very excellent piece of villainy.”

Yes, looking back, now that there is absolutely no question about it, I find that I have nothing but the highest admiration for Mark McGwire’s canniness in concealing his use of steroids. They really should teach this lie in school along with Hitler’s big whopper at Munich.

But most of all, the feeling I have for Mark McGwire, besides awe, is the incredible amount of laughter that I cannot contain.

He conned everyone, and everyone knew they were being conned. He was Don King without the mouth… until it came to commercials. Here was a guy who denied using HGH, a drug that has curative properties, and for all we know could actually be good for you, but accepted endorsements and took millions of dollars to appear in commercials for McDonald’s!

AND NOBODY BLINKED!

You know, the least the Cardinals could have done was name a field-level box seat after McGwire’s endocrinologist. I mean, hey, let’s be fair.

It occurs to me that Mark McGwire is one amazing guy, and possibly the (least-intentionally) funniest person in the western world. And it wasn’t just McDonald’s. In 1998, he was all over commercial television. He was endorsing anything and everything – all kinds of products. There wasn’t one commercial that he turned down.

I can’t find it on You Tube, but I did find the transcript for one particular TV spot:

MM: Hello, I’m Mark McGwire. You may know me as that guy
who hits all those home runs and looks like an slightly
uglier version of the Michelin Man. Yes, that’s me.

But I’m not here to talk about the Michelin Man,
I’m here to tell you about a problem that,
like many of you, I suffer from: Feminine Dryness.

There is nothing more uncomfortable than being dry
and itchy down there. That’s why I use
Vagisil® Intimate Lubricant and Vagisil® Anti-Itch Crème.

VO: Vagisil®. Mark McGwire uses it. So should you.

If you can find this TV commercial somewhere, I swear I will pay you for it.

I’m telling you, there is no way to overstate just how much of an ingenious liar Mark McGwire was. You don’t even comprehend it. He even had an audience with Pope John Paul II, in front of 20,000 children, and stood there as His Holiness exhorted the youth of St. Louis to condition themselves spiritually just as Mark McGwire conditioned himself physically. And there he was on the stage… smiling like the goofball he wanted us to believe he was.

Seriously! This is a man who lied to the Pope… to his face! WOW!

Say what you want about McGwire and bicker amongst yourselves about how much this affects his standing in terms of eligibility in the Baseball Hall of Fame, and how he lied to the children who watched him play, but again, there is no denying it, he is one extraordinary son-of-a-bitch.

When they erect a Liars Hall of Fame, he’ll be in the Inaugural Class.

UPDATE: Backdoor Billing - Are Any Sales Final These Days?

2010-01-11T21:20:00.003-05:00

On January 11, I received yet another bill from LabCorp, notifying me that I had incurred an additional $11.81 charge for a blood test that I was told, at the premises, was covered by my insurance carrier and obligatory co-payment.

You can read the earlier post regarding this subject here.

Anyway, I wrote them back in a form they provide (if you look hard enough) for billing questions. Here is the text of that letter.

"Hello and thanks for reading this.

"On November 11^th, Veteran’s Day, I went to my local LabCorp and got a blood test. I gave my insurance information to the cashier/phlebotomist. I asked if there would be any extra charge, aside from my standard $20 co-payment. She said that my $20 co-payment would cover it and there would be no extra charge as, “this is only a blood test.”

"Last month I received a bill for $11.81. Needless to say, I was surprised to see a bill, having been told at the purchase point, that my bill was settled.

"My health insurance plan, (expletive deleted), covers most xxxxx and xxxxx employees. It’s a very popular plan, and locally, almost 3,000 families are covered by the same plan under the same conditions. This is a large company. LabCorp is the only “provider” of laboratory services on that plan.

"Seeing as how you seem to have an exclusive partnership with my plan, it would seem to me that if I paid my health insurance premiums (which I do), and add my contractually-obligated co-payment (which I did), then my responsibility in this matter is over. A more naïve person would tell you that you should go to your PARTNER (e.g., (expletive deleted)) and get your $11.81.

"I’m no dummy, though. I know that providers often disagree with the amounts insurance companies are willing to pay for services. This is why I ask at EVERY VISIT, “Aside from my co-pay, will this cost me any money?”

"On November 11, 2009, I asked and was told that my co-payment would cover the bill. I took the blood test and left. Now I have this bill for $11.81. It may not be much money, but you can’t LIE to me about the price and still expect me to pay. I didn’t defraud you. Your company wasn’t HONEST with ME.

"So, while I grin and bear the fact that you and my insurance carrier cannot agree on a price for services even though you’re both big enough to work out a standing arrangement, I absolutely refuse to be conned (YES, CONNED) into owing an extra payment, which I was told AT POINT OF PURCHASE, I would not incur.

"This is a business practice that is unethical to its core. If you bought a product from me, and I charged you a one-time, agreed-upon fee for that product, and four weeks later I send you a letter stating you owe me a balance, there is no way you would pay.

"So I am not paying. If you disagree with my response, or feel the need to contact me to make an apology, I am available at XXX-XXX-XXXX from 6:00pm to 10:00pm, Sunday – Thursday. I know this does not conform with your billing department's business hours (8am-5pm, M-F), but my phone number is only staffed by one person.

"In fact, that’s one other business practice you can probably afford to change.

"Sincerely,

Jeremy XXXXXX"

P.S.

Iconoclast v. Hack: Classic Chalkboard Oratory from a Master

2010-01-05T20:41:00.006-05:00

I was watching Fox News one night. It wasn’t my fault. I had accidentally fallen off the step-ladder and broke my neck, causing paralysis. The impact of my fall shook my coffee table and inexplicably caused my remote control to switch to Fox News. There I was, immobile, helpless, and being tortured by a psychotic weirdo at a chalkboard.

OK, none of that was true. I’ve never broken my neck. I saw Glenn Beck once. I felt once was enough. I can handle only so much of someone insulting my intelligence. There was something about him that bugged me. I couldn’t figure out what it was. I felt that I had seen this show before.

As a former stand-up comedian, I used to study others’ acts. I wasn’t alone. We were all in competition so we all studied each other. Every now and again, we found someone who was trying to rip off material from another comic, or as in the case of Denis Leary, an entire act (see Bill Hicks). There were quite a few comics in the city who were labeled as thieves. Well, when I saw Glenn Beck that night, my “thief” alert went off.

I couldn’t figure it out. Where did I see this before? I knew that I had seen an entertainer use a chalkboard to illustrate points to a viewing audience before. I know it was some kind of conservative analyst. So I continued to watch…

Can you feel my douche chills?

I would laugh if I didn’t know that millions of people listen and watch him, and that they don’t know how to spell “oligarchy” either. Nonsensical rant after nonsensical rant at the chalkboard…

What? Huh? SEIU? Soros? Huh? Am I missing something?

Then it hit me. My thief alarm is going off because he is not making any sense. When someone steals material, more often than not, he doesn’t understand completely what works about it. He doesn’t make sense because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. All he knows is that he likes writing things on a chalkboard. Who else used to write on a chalk board? I KNOW WHO! I’VE SEEN CLIPS OF IT!

He used to have a show in New York in the 50’s and 60’s… what’s his name? What is his name? He used to write on a chalkboard too! He actually made sense! He may have been off a tad, but he makes sense! Beck is stealing from THIS GUY! Bishop Fulton Sheen!

You may not agree with him, but Sheen was 40 times the talent that Beck was. If I could, I’d edit these clips together to contrast them without clicking back and forth, but why don’t you try it by clicking on them alternately.

There are so many great clips of Bishop Sheen on YouTube. I don’t agree with him a lot, but at least I found the well of talent from which Glenn Beck has siphoned his entire act. Really, Sheen is fun to watch. He’s like Beck, without the paranoia or douche chills. Well… maybe some of the paranoia… You don’t have to watch it, but you can always enjoy the rest of the Two Wars sermon. I’ve embedded it below.

Anyway, for the record:

Iconoclast

Hack

Coming Attractions: The Future of Ill Will

2010-01-03T02:01:00.013-05:00

Over the course of the next several weeks, I will be engaged in two separate and unrelated series of articles. Because I cannot concentrate on one subject, I will be alternating between the two which I believe are entirely unrelated.

1. They Don’t Make ‘em Like They Used To

On the Sundance Channel, there was a show called “Iconoclasts” in which a camera crew followed around a movie star/celebrity, who followed around an older movie star/celebrity that inspired the former movie star/celebrity. Robert Redford followed Paul Newman, Rene Zellweger followed Christine Amanpour, and Ren followed Stimpy. I’ve never seen the show and I’m not even clear if the show is still on TV.

What I am starting is something quite different. We are all influenced by people we’ve seen or read about, or by people who have told us about someone they’ve seen or read about. There’s no getting around it. Every one of us is a copy of a copy of a copy, diluted and combined with other impressions from other copies. Sometimes we resemble our progenitors greatly and sometimes we resemble our progenitors waaaaay too greatly. Basically, sometimes we emulate naturally and sometimes we steal.

I may be stealing the concept of “Iconoclasts” from the Sundance Channel, but I believe I’ll be making it more interesting. The “Iconoclasts” of the previous generation will be contrasted with the, for lack of a better term, “Hacks” of our generation. Every article will focus on current persons and how they have stolen, misused and misunderstood the people they endeavor to emulate, and/or the people they hope we don’t remember.

For example, there is a famous Radio/TV talk show host on Fox News who may be actually stealing show biz concepts from a Bishop of the Archdiocese of New York who died thirty years ago. Can you see where this is going?

If you have any ideas for subjects, I’m game. Send ‘em on over.

2. Stealing Can Be Fun!

In this period of economic recession/depression/free-falling panic, we all need some help. Most of us seek help through the power of God, alcohol or meaningless sex. The rest of us know better – we seek money.

You may be tempted to steal a Mars Bar at the 7-11 or a nice sweater from Lord & Taylor. You may pad your expense account or be so bold as to take some cash right from the till. Well, that’s chump change. You ought to know better. You ought to know how to steal… for real.

There are many large corporations that cannot account for all of their funds at a specific point in time. Those who embezzle funds from their companies, large and small, are usually caught. After all, if you’re stealing AND counting on that pension to get you through your old age, you’re probably stretching yourself a little thin. Never mind that, these days most companies don’t have the cash for you to steal, and they’re looking for any reason to can you like a dollop of bad bisque.

You need to start thinking bigger, as in bigger government. What better company to steal from than the company that steals from you? And they print their own money! Name another company that does that.

You can take advantage of so many departments and programs, and the last administration worked so tirelessly to rid the government of any of those pesky oversight positions. Now, with the latest stimulus cash infusion, it’s time to reap that sinful apple from the overflowing tree of institutional incompetence.

There used to be a guy in glasses dressed in a book costume who sold you a pamphlet that listed all kinds of government programs. I killed that guy. He’s dead. I burned his costume and donated his glasses to the poor. All he did was sell you a pamphlet. That won’t tell you anything.

Every article here will be a step-by-step instructional manual featuring the many ways to strip, defraud, bamboozle, drain, and shanghai local, state and federal government funds. I hope the articles amuse you as they fill your pockets up with cash.

* * *

I know you’re going to love these series – all six of you. If you do, tell your friends. If not, tell NO ONE.

Backdoor Billed Yet Again: Are Any Sales Final Anymore?

2009-12-27T02:25:00.003-05:00

You know… I think I have enough financial problems. I have a mortgage that breaks me. I have student loans that make me regret ever being a student. I can barely afford the cable/phone/internet I have.

My one vice? Netflix. My idea of a night out? A night in.

I barely get by at all. In fact, if I have any money left at the end of the month, it’s probably because I forgot to pay something. So when I got a bill for a blood test I took a month ago, that I was told would already be paid by my health insurance company, I nearly pulled out my own eyeballs.

As you can see, I’ve been billed an additional $12 by LabCorp for a blood test I took in November. I can’t tell you how frustrating this is. Let’s start at the beginning.

I get a prescription for a blood test. On my list of “participating providers” of laboratory-related services is LabCorp. In fact, they are the only “provider” on my list. The great thing about having a “provider” is that my health insurance company has a deal with them. Much like a doctor visit, I am instructed to remit a co-payment on the LabCorp premises ($20), and then my health insurance company will cover the rest.

You see, that’s the last I am supposed to see of it. I don’t even get the actual results of the test – my doctor does. I shouldn’t see anything else besides some sort of receipt I get every time my health insurance company pays for something.

I’m no fool, though. I know that sometimes the tests cost more than the insurance company is willing to pay. That’s why whenever I go for any kind of lab test, whether it be an MRI or a little blood test like this one, I always ask up front, “This is my health insurance company. Aside from my co-pay, is this test covered completely under my insurance plan?” Invariably, I get a yes answer.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s covered. This is just a blood test,” said the nice phlebotomist/cashier lady as she entered all of my medical and personal information into her computer. “We do this all the time and there is never any extra payment. May I have your credit card, please?”

Out comes the credit card, in goes the needle. Lickety-split, and I forget all about it. I don’t even ask for a lollipop.

So a few weeks later, I get this bill. Twelve dollars. Why? Why am I billed yet again? I pay for health insurance. I contribute a co-payment. If there is any extra money left over, it should be dealt with by my health insurance company, much like an auto insurance company would deal with it, and not by me. I’m not the one negotiating the terms of the exclusive deal they have.

If LabCorp is the only “provider” for my health insurance company, and I pay for my health insurance and agree to the terms associated with my health insurance (e.g., making a co-payment) then haven’t I done my part in this transaction? Isn’t it my health insurance company who has failed to pay the bill?

Anyway, that may very well now be a lost cause, but I do always ask providers ahead of time, “Will this cost me any more money than I’m dishing out right now?”

Well, you know what LabCorp? Much like any other company, Ill Will and Everything Else Inc. has a strict policy that dictates all negotiations in its business dealings must be dealt with before the actual transaction takes place.

I know it’s a revolutionary business idea, and it may be a little hard to grasp, but let me take you through a hypothetical scenario:

You’re in my supermarket. You pick up a pint of Ciao Bella Mango Sorbet. You take it up to my counter. You pay me for it. You take it home and eat it.

See? It’s simple. You pay me for it, then you eat it! Now, let’s throw a little wrinkle into the scenario:

You’ve eaten your Ciao Bella Mango Sorbet. Weeks later, I show up at your door. I say, “Listen to me, you sorbet-chewing, liberal elitist. You owe me another eleven dollars. Now give it here or I’ll put it down as a delinquency on your credit report and it will follow you around for the rest of your life.”

What do you do? Well, under the Ill Will and Everything Else Inc. Business Policy, you will always know what to do.

You must kick me in the shins and tell me to leave. If I don’t stop bothering you about the eleven dollars, then you must call the police and press charges against me for harassment.

I think you’ll agree that this is a sound -- and fair -- business model. In the spirit of “Best Practices,” please feel free to use it without fear of copyright infringement.

So what is this all about? It’s about fairness. LabCorp, you’re not being fair. If you charged me the correct amount of money before the transaction was made, then I would have paid it. You didn’t, so you can suck your twelve dollars out of my circumcised phallus… along with my best wishes for the New Year.

Great… I guess now I’ll have to take off my pants, too.

2009-12-25T23:13:00.011-05:00

Look, as an American, and a New York City resident from 1997 – 2002, I understand the effects of terrorism. We are all wary now. We are more careful. When there is a stray tote bag on the street or in the hallway of a large building, we call the police. We are not terrorism virgins. We understand when “this is not a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.”

“Shit just got real,” as Martin Lawrence said so eloquently in Bad Boys II.

I’ve hated this extra responsibility. In my opinion, if someone is going to kill a whole lot of people in a non-secure area, there is very little anyone can do about it. Sometimes, like at Fort Hood, nothing can even be done in a secure area. So how can I worry? What can I do besides “duck and cover?”

This paranoia is the thing, you see. I get body searched every time I fly. I understand why. I’m a young, single man who flies alone. Terrorist bombers generally fly solo, or at the very least, buy their tickets separately. What I cannot abide, however, is being forced to take off my shoes at security.

I am loathe to admit that I am just as angry at Richard Reid, the “Shoe Bomber,” as I am at any of the 9/11 terrorists. This is a guy who smuggled an explosive device in his shoes and tried to detonate it on a transatlantic flight. He couldn’t. He was faulty. The device was faulty. The plan was faulty.

Since December 2001, extra security has not been enough anymore. Now I have to untie my shoes, take them off, send them through a metal detector, walk barefoot through a magnetometer, put my shoes back on, and tie them in the space of a minute. Invariably, I hold up the line because I’m not a quick shoelace tier. It’s embarrassing and aggravating, and it’s all Richard Reid’s fault. I can’t help it. I hate him.

Now, we have a bigger problem. Today, a Nigerian national by the name of Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab smuggled chemicals in his pants and set his legs on fire while his transatlantic flight landed at Detroit-Metro. Besides being the single-most interesting event to occur in Detroit since the Tigers made the World Series in 2006, this is the single-worst terrorist attack in the United States since Richard Reid. Why? I’ll tell you why.

Now, I’m going to have to take off my fucking pants. It’s bad enough with the shoes. Now the pants? My lord. I have to fly in April. I’ve been dreading it anyway, and now I’ll have to take off my pants and show the other passengers my Old Navy patterned boxer shorts.

Look, this isn’t a blog entry as much as it is a plea to Congressman Peter King of Long Island, the ranking Republican on the House Homeland Security Sub-Committee.

Mr. King, please… please… PLEASE… don’t make me take off my pants at the airport. I can’t bear it. Look, the guy didn’t even pull it off. He failed. He has burns on his legs. Put him in a hole and forget all about him. I will personally staff the prison at Guantanamo Bay to keep him there. I’ll find a way. Just, please don’t overreact.

If there is one thing that is certain, it’s this: changing the way we travel has been very humiliating.

Remember Mr. King, there are many ways to keep us safe. New advances in technology are popping up all the time. I am just as wary of terrorism as anyone and I can appreciate the need for safety… but if I have to take off my pants at the airport, then the terrorists have truly won.

If not for my sake, please do it for the other passengers. Some of my boxers have holes in them.

My Favorite Martian! (or Why I Love Sarah Palin)

2009-12-21T00:08:00.006-05:00

Why is it that people relate to Sarah Palin? Well why do you think, you smug bastard?

Wow, you’re irritating! Is there nothing you can say that doesn’t have attitude? Can you issue a single declarative sentence without asking a silly, rhetorical question? (Uh, ok. Guilty.)

There is nothing more aggravating than a person saying something you don’t agree with and also being smug about it. I didn’t like Donald Rumsfeld because he believed that we couldn’t be safe without invading Iraq. I hated him because he treated those who questioned him as though their dogs took a series of big, steaming craps on his front porch… and then he would wink at the people who asked him the softball questions.

Ha, look at this guy! What a ‘tard! How did he even get in here?

I see the same thing in Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, although frankly, they’re more racist and insane than smug. I also see the smugness in the MSNBC TV hosts, especially Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow and that weird freakshow, Ed Schultz. (Where did he come from exactly?) I mean, I enjoy their shows because I agree with them, but they sure don’t make it easy sometimes.

Special note to Olbermann: You need to laugh at the answers your guests give you, Keith, not your own questions.

This kind of smugness on the liberal end has leaked into the actual political arena. Last week, I saw Florida Congressman Alan Grayson on Hardball with Chris Mathews. When Chris Mathews asked him what he thought of Dick Cheney (also guilty) badmouthing the president, Congressman Grayson said that Cheney should “stfu.” Mathews didn’t get the reference and asked him what it meant. Grayson smirked and hinted at it by saying the first letter stood for “shut.”

Honestly, it’s no wonder conservative folks hate us. We’re unbearable. And that’s the thing. We need to be bearable. Being bearable is the only way you can win elections.

If there is one thing Sarah Palin has over us liberals, it’s that she isn’t smug. Sure, she may not have the capacity. She’s not very smart. Most dumb people aren’t smug. Most.

When Bush was first elected in 2000, many people said that Bush was “the candidate you’d most want to have a beer with.” The fact that Bush was an alcoholic and he didn’t drink anymore obviously didn’t enter into it. But Dubya never made you feel stupid in a conversation. Dubya never made fun of you. Why? Dubya had really low standards. He put his dad’s friend on the VP ticket and tried to nominate his own lawyer for the Supreme Court. If you were around, you could win a prize. It reminded me of those stories about Elvis ripping his own jewelry off and giving it to his fans for no other reason than because they were there. What a guy.

Palin is much less charming, and undeniably crazier. It’s one thing to deny climate change and try to cover it up. It’s a whole lot different when you acknowledge climate change and don’t care why it’s actually happening because the rapture is coming…

She might be judgmental, but that’s only because she’s mental. Everybody knows she’s mental, so nobody takes it seriously.

Nobody wants to have a beer with this woman either. Nobody. Take one look at her and you can tell that after one beer she’ll start hollering uncontrollably until she does a body shot out of another girl’s navel and throws up all over the bar. That girl is off the hook.

But she’s not going to call you stupid.

And she smiles. It may be a smile with the craziest eyes this side of Anne Ramsey (see below), but it’s a smile. She’s not smarter than you. She doesn’t challenge you. Her standards are reallllllyyyy lowwww.

So that’s why I like her. Of course, I’m smart enough not to vote for her. Keep that in mind, too.

So when your friends, who perhaps aren’t as swift as you, tell you how much they love that "Sarah spirit," tell them you understand but that Sarah has rabies and a tattoo on her back that says, “I (heart) Satan.” Tell them that God came to you in a dream and told you, through the Archangel Metatron, that Sarah Palin is the anti-Christ and breathes pure hellfire. Tell them that Sarah's urine turns roses into weeds and her kisses give babies skin cancer. That might be the only way those idiot friends of yours will listen to you...

Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. It's harder than it looks. Somebody better call the smug police.

Richard Was Drinking Again: A Book Review

2009-12-19T17:45:00.006-05:00

Richard Burton: Prince of Players is an interesting read if you like drinking games, which means I really enjoyed it. You can enjoy it, too.

The trick is, every time the author, Michael Munn, issues the line, “Richard was drinking again,” take a sip of beer. If your tolerance is as high as Mr. Burton’s was, then whenever the author describes Elizabeth Taylor as furious, you should down a shot of whiskey. Needless to say, it took me a while to finish reading this book.

Look, we all know that Richard Burton drank… a lot. We all know that drinking consumed his life, finally culminating in his death from a cerebral hemorrhage in 1984. The book, however, didn’t need to be so consumed with it. The man drank. I get it. We all knew that. You can’t blame every poorly conceived decision the man made on alcohol. Surely, there were other factors involved. Richard Burton admitted having one homosexual experience in his life. The author devotes an entire chapter to bolster this one non-story. I get it. The man wasn't gay. We all knew that as well.

This book suffers somewhat from a lack of insight into Burton's character. Either that or one of the finest actors of the latter half of the twentieth century was fooling everyone into believing that he was deep. The author considers himself a friend of the late Mr. Burton – not a close friend, but a friend. Mr. Munn spent a few days with Mr. Burton over the course of several years. He conducted a formal interview with Mr. Burton only once and over thirty years ago. He uses their limited conversations as the basis for his biography. That would be fine if they spent more time together, but they didn’t.

The author could have taken the standard biographer’s approach by interviewing those closest to Mr. Burton, using the common threads of those stories to give a three-dimensional portrayal. He didn’t. Maybe it wasn’t the author’s fault. After all, the subject died at least 24 years before publication. The closest interview the author got was Claire Bloom, the long-suffering other woman during Mr. Burton’s first marriage. She would have been a great source, had she perhaps been interviewed sometime after his death, and not years before when Mr. Burton was alive and married. She was naturally respectful and tight-lipped. Rod Steiger gave more insight into Burton and Bloom’s relationship than either of them did, and he was barely present for any of it. Ms. Bloom published her tell-all autobiography in 1995. Wouldn’t it have been something if the author interviewed her during the 10+ year gap between Burton’s death and her book?

Therein lies the rub. Most of the author’s substantive interviews with anyone associated with Mr. Burton were before he died. He’s done almost no real research since that period. It’s understandable that the author may not have been able to secure interviews with those who were very close to Burton while he was alive. After all, that would mean compromising their relationships with him. Why not after he died?

Where is the interview with his daughter Kate? What about the often drunk, pill-addicted Taylor? What about the interview with wives Sally, Susan and Sybil? How about Richard Harris or Peter O’Toole? Even if some of these people are not with us anymore, either by death or invalidity, they were for several years after Burton’s demise. What was the author doing with his material for all of these years? Why hasn’t he supplemented this material with developments that may have arisen since then?

It's infuriating that this book was published so long after Mr. Burton’s death and yet has not been updated with new interviews. It’s especially infuriating since the author’s literary gifts are so evident, and his perspective as a fellow actor and sometime friend are so valuable. Say what you want about this book, Mr. Munn can write. The book is worth reading, if only for that. And it makes for an excellent drinking game.

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT: Michael Vick Speaks to Children in Virginia

2009-12-06T18:19:00.007-05:00

I took a page out of my cousin’s book for this one. I hope he doesn’t mind.

On November 30th, disgraced football player MICHAEL VICK made a surprise visit to his alma mater, Huntington Middle School, to speak about his troubles and motivate children as part of his conditional release from prison. Hundreds of Newport News-area seventh- and eighth-graders gathered in their auditorium to listen to what MR. VICK had to say about dog-fighting, football and peer pressure. Here is the transcript of their interaction:

MR. VICK: Hello children, I’m Michael Vick. Some of you may know me from being a football player. I played for this school, I went off to Virginia Tech and played there and then I was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons. From the time I was your age, I’ve spent my life achieving against all odds. Whether it was in football or in the classroom, which is just as important, it is always important to do your best, to give your best effort.

Now, you won’t always succeed. I’ve succeeded because I have incredible physical talent, but I’ve also failed. You will also fail some of the time, but if you always give your best effort, you will have nothing to be ashamed of. So the moral of the story is, always give your best effort. Thank you.

THE CHILDREN begin to applaud. MR. VICK’S LAWYER approaches him, whispers in his ear, and retreats.

MR. VICK: Right, right. Well, kids, I also want to talk to you about peer pressure. See, at one point I had everything going for me, but I fell in with the wrong people and I ended up paying for it by going to prison for almost two years. Don’t ever, EVER, do something just because your friends told you to. Make your own judgments and be your own man. Thank you.

THE CHILDREN applaud again. MR. VICK’S LAWYER turns and looks to the FEDERAL PROBATION OFFICER. The FEDERAL PROBATION OFFICER shakes his head. MR. VICK’S LAWYER shakes his head at MR. VICK.

MR. VICK: Peer pressure can ruin your life. I thought I could trust my friends when they said I could make millions of dollars raising pit bulls to fight for sport. They told me how simple it could be to buy a large piece of property, build a warehouse to keep and fight the dogs, hire dog-breeding experts and dog-fighting trainers.

Then my friends told me that all I had to do was spread the word that I had a bit pull ranch and dog fighting arena, and to invite them to fight their own dogs with mine and bet money on them like it was a boxing match in Las Vegas. My friends said it would be easy money for me and that I should do it.

Well, needless to say, my friends were wrong. They were so wrong, and I was wrong to listen to them. They told me to come to the ranch and watch as amateur veterinarians drugged pit bull bitches in order to extract all of their teeth so they would be helpless when they attempted to breed them with other vicious pit bulls… and I did. I went and I watched… because I trusted my friends.

My friends also said, “Hey Michael, why don’t you come watch the fights and bet on your dogs? It will be fun!” So I did. I watched. I bet on them. My friends told me it was OK and I listened to them. After the matches we would kill the dogs that failed by shooting them in their little dog heads. I watched because my friends told me I should.

My friends said that this wasn’t wrong so I believed them even though there was this little voice in my head that said, “No, no. Don’t do it. Don’t invest hundreds of thousands of dollars to create a factory of brutality, cruelty, death, and ILLEGAL GAMBLING! I forgot illegal gambling! I knew it wasn’t right in my heart but I did it anyway because my friends told me it was ok.

So learn from my mistakes, kids. Don’t let your friends lead you down the wrong path, or you will end up just like me!

Now, I would like to answer your questions, so speak up one at a time and speak loud so everyone can hear you.

CHILD #1: Why did you do it, Michael?

MR. VICK: Like I said, I fell in with the wrong crowd. I should have never listened to my friends. OK, next question, please.

CHILD #2: Yeah, uh, what are we supposed to do if our friends tell us to build a giant dog-fighting arena? I mean, it’s tough to tell your friends you don’t think it’s cool.

MR. VICK: I’ll tell you what you should do. Do exactly what I didn’t – say “no.” Say “it’s wrong and I won’t do it!” Do that, and you won’t end up in federal prison like I did.

CHILD #3: Yeah, now that I know that I’m not supposed to build a giant dog-murdering farm, what’s a smarter way to spend my time?

MR. VICK: Good question! What can you do that is smarter than building an Aushwitz for man’s best friend?

If I had it do all over again, I’d probably just stick my dick in a microwave oven. It’s just as self-destructive but it costs less and it’s slightly more challenging. The only thing you have to worry about is sometimes you can end up in the hospital and even though it’s supposed to be confidential, the story will get out through rumor and you’ll end up being stared at like you're RICHARD GERE.

Anyway, thank you all for coming and not making me feel like a total douche. Now I only have thirty-nine more school appearances to make. Goodbye kids!

Interim Film Review - The Good Fight

2009-11-29T03:01:00.005-05:00

One of the benefits of chronic insomnia is the ability to watch endless amount of film. That being said, I am able to watch movies I never would have been able to see if I had the standard 16-hour waking life.

I just watched The Good Fight - a film about Americans who formed the Abraham Lincoln Brigade and went to Spain to fight for the Loyalist cause in the Spanish Civil War. They fought against the Fascist and eventual victor and dictator, Francisco Franco. The Loyalists ended up losing, but what its government achieved during their short period of rule, along with the courage and resourcefulness of their soldiers from every walk of life and every nation, is remarkable.

The film's strength is its reliance, almost solely, on interviews with the American veterans of the Abraham Lincoln Brigade. Even though there are no major revelations, and frankly, no surprises, this film has a warm quality -- as though your own grandfather was telling his story to you beside a fire... or a poster of Rosie the Riveter.

The one aspect of the film that is important to note is that while there were several women, African-Americans, and African-American women who joined with the brigade, the film does not refer to the fact that this was the first American (para) military unit that was not segregated by sex or gender. The filmmakers could have played this up a bit more, but it seemed they were more interested in the individual stories. Who could blame them? Some of them are fantastic.

There is one interviewee who tells the story of being in the hospital in Spain after being shot in the foot only to be visited by his father who had come all the way from the states to bring him home when he heard about it. After seeing his son and the way in which the Abraham Lincoln Brigade was helping the cause of the legitimately elected Spanish government, his father attempted to join the cause himself, only to be dissuaded from military action and sent back to drum up financial support.

The Good Fight is narrated by Studs Turkel, who until his fairly recent death, was the pre-eminent oral historian of our time. He does a great job. I would suggest reading his book, The Good War, which is his collection of oral histories of World War II.

I recommend The Good Fight, especially if you're unfamiliar with the Spanish Civil War.

H.R. 3590 (The Health Bill) – It Has Been Read, Understood and Can Be Explained by Yours Truly (Part III - Rationing of Care)

2009-11-29T01:44:00.000-05:00

Issue 1: Rationing of Care – Public AND Private

We don’t want “Obama-care” to get between us and our doctors when it comes to what care we will receive. I agree. I also don’t want private insurance companies getting between me and my doctor. Do you?

I didn’t think so. I certainly didn’t want my insurance company to take its time mulling over its approval of the MRI my doctor prescribed when he found three tumors in my tibia and patella.

Luckily, it only took them 10 business days to approve it.

Section 2711 clearly states that there will be no lifetime limits or unreasonable annual limits of the dollar value of any participant or beneficiary of an insurance plan – ANY insurance plan.

This means that there would be no cause for my insurance company to do a cost-benefit analysis of the MRI of my three bone tumors. That should also save me some time. Thank you, H.R. 3590!

H.R. 3590 (The Health Bill) – It Has Been Read, Understood and Can Be Explained by Yours Truly (Part II) - Why I Read the Bill

2009-11-29T01:10:00.002-05:00

As for reading the bill, it had never occurred to me until “Read the Bill!” became a rallying cry for conservative “protesters.”

I think my decision to read it was based on dare. For a nebbishy Jew who can legitimately be accused of being afraid of his own shadow, I am awfully daring. I have bungee-jumped, climbed big rocks, and ran with the bulls in Pamplona (July 13, 1996). If I had the spare cash, I’d be happy to jump out of a plane or get a tattoo. I don’t know why. Sometimes all it takes is an “I dare you,” and I’m in.

Maybe I’m prejudiced, but when I see a few thousand people in front of the Capitol with Nazi-themed posters, I’m going to assume that even though they’re yelling “Read the Bill!” they probably have not read the bill themselves. Also, any representative on the Hill will tell you that most of them never read the bills themselves either.

Also, when the Wall Street Journal published an article dedicated to decrying the volume of the bill, and elected representatives use the size of the bill, histrionically, to entertain the developmentally disabled, I felt that I was dared to read it.

The Length (Oy Gevalt!)
It’s 2074 pages! My Lord. I’ve never read anything that long.

You see, I am a reader. I’ve read War and Peace (1455 pages), Don Quixote (985 pages), The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (1252 pages), Le Morte d’Arthur (935 pages), and the Lord of the Rings (1008 pages). So I am no stranger to reading, although some of these books I read years ago… when ephedrine was over-the-counter… but still…

So I found the bill online. It was easy enough. In fact, even Senator Ensign (R-Nevada) has a link to it on his web site. This gesture makes me want to forgive him for having an affair with his campaign advisor's wife and then having his parents pay them off.

OK, enough of that. Here it is.

As you can see, it’s pretty fucking big. But I started “leafing” through it and I found something odd. Like any Shakespearean play, every line of a bill is numbered. This allows readers to cite specific pages and line numbers in their arguments/research.

The left margin spans 2 inches to the line number and the vast majority of the text has a combined left margin of 3.25 inches. A piece of paper has 8 inches of horizontal length.

Immediately, almost half of the page is blank. Oh, and every page has a 1.75 inch right margin. That means, for all intents and purposes, more than 62% of the horizontal space of each page is blank.

Oh and I forgot to say that the font is at least 14 pt. Oh, and it’s double-spaced.

It reminds me from when I was in Junior High and I needed to stretch a two-page paper into a five-page paper. I would manipulate the margins and the font so that there would be about four words per page. A lot of us did. It was the advent of the age of word processors and we milked it for all it was worth. Eventually, our teachers caught on and started to give us assignments based on word number.

This gave me an idea. I took a random ten pages from my dusty old copy of War and Peace. Of those ten pages I counted an average of 456 words per page. Then I took a random ten pages of H.R. 3590 and found that there was an average of 143 words per page. Hmmm. So, generally (and generously) I’ll say that each page of the bill is about a third of what a real book is. So, let’s re-evaluate the size, generously again, at about 700 pages.

700 pages isn’t so bad, is it? Let's Get Started...

H.R. 3590 (The Health Bill) – It Has Been Read, Understood and Can Be Explained by Yours Truly (Part I)

2009-11-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

I hadn’t read the health bill (H.R. 3590). I had listened to Senators and Congressmen whose opinions I trust. I saw how the insurance industry mobilized its employees and paid stooges to scream and yell at the top of their lungs. I make my political judgments that way. I don’t usually read the actual documents (as I have a job) but I’ll take a look at who cheers it and who boos it, and based upon my general affinity/hatred of the parties involved, I’ll make a decision.

Sure it’s simplistic, but that’s one more degree of judgment than most of us utilize when it comes to politics. Not all of us have the time or inclination to analyze, in any way, aspects of politics. Most of us are happy to listen to a Glenn Beck, O’Reilly, Limbaugh or Olbermann. I went a little farther. There were several sources I visited to help me make my evaluation of the push for a public health insurance program. I felt the best opinions I could get were from the health professionals themselves...

The New England Journal of Medicine

The National Medical Association

The American Nurses Association

… and of course, the people who, in general, need health care the most...

American Association for Retired Persons

… and the major unions who already worked hard to negotiate their "Cadillac plans..."

United Auto Workers

AFL-CIO

American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees (AFSCME)

… and, unapologetically, the liberals...

The Center for American Progress

So, I support it. Now, to Read it!

ACTION PLAN FOR THE NEW ERA OF RESPONSIBILITY

2009-11-20T01:41:00.009-05:00

It has been in vogue for sometime to blame the poor for lacking the “Protestant Work Ethic,” and labeling them as stupid or lazy. How long has this been the viewpoint? How about forever. Though Charles Dickens, a fairly good social commentator, exposed the hypocritical nature of this viewpoint (i.e., A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, etc.), it never actually caught on.

Frankly, I’m sick of it. So I’ve decided to point the finger the other way.

The Ill Will and Everything Else Inc.
New Era of Personal Responsibility

I’ve decided that “personal responsibility” should be the hallmark of my future rise to power. Yes, that’s right, I will be Emperor one day, and this is what I intend to do to restore personal responsibility to our culture… and hopefully this will encourage the right people to take responsibility for themselves.

1. The elimination of legal rights for Corporations

Would you ever dare to poison the water or kill people with cigarettes and asbestos if you weren’t protected by a legal clause that can only fine you and not imprison you? Maybe.

Corporations generally make their employees faceless and non-complicit in their actions and unless they end up getting called before Congress, they will never be prosecuted, nor pointed out for the ridicule they deserve. Their companies will be sued and fined, but they can always change their names, and their employees can just move along to other high-powered jobs and do it again, just like a child-molesting priest.

Well, now they will be criminally culpable, so think twice before you sell a product that causes the destruction of people and institutions. Weigh the consequences again now that the rules have changed and ask yourselves whether that private jet will be worth getting drawn and quartered.

2. Destruction of Sub-Prime Mortgage Lending Institutions and the Summary Execution of their Executives, Lenders, Employees and Independent Brokers.

Why do I have to pay taxes for people who defaulted on mortgages they could never afford?

Well, I couldn’t agree more.

It’s popular to blame people who used sub-prime mortgages to purchase their homes, only to lose them later when they lost their jobs or their rates jumped. Who couldn’t have seen this coming?

Well, I could. So could a lot of other people, including the rat bastards who sold them. You see, if you tell people that yes, even they can own a home, and that it is a great investment, and yes, they can afford it, then they will buy it. Nobody looks to purchase a house they will lose in two years, douchebag.

You will all be burned at the stake. The flames, of course, will be ignited and stoked by of all the Salesman of the Month plaques you people earned.

If you hard-sell a product, you’re more complicit than the person who buys it, which leads us to the next step of my action plan…

3. Destruction of all fast-food restaurants, and the summary execution of all employees at their respective Corporate Headquarters and Franchisees... but not their store employees.

Why should I have to pay taxes to pay for people who ate their way into obesity, heart disease and Type II Diabetes?

Well, I couldn’t agree more.

There is a saying, “Fifty million Elvis fans can’t be wrong.”

Who doesn’t love a Whopper? They’re great. That’s why they’re popular. McDonald’s serves over 80 billon people. Their fries are incredible. The question is, do you blame hundreds of millions of people for buying them, or do you blame the handful of corporations who sell them?

Hey, if the Big Mac didn’t exist, nobody would buy it. But it does, so everybody is fat and has Type II Diabetes.

Executives and Franchisees, prepare to be eviscerated and disemboweled. Every time I eat a Whopper, that’s what I feel like afterward, and now you will feel the same. Your last task before you die will be to watch hundreds of hours of footage of the destruction of your various establishments throughout the country. Like your fries, the land you purchased for your franchises will be salted so that nothing else may grow there.

4. Prohibition of the sale of alcoholic beverages to anyone over the age of sixteen.

OK, I don’t expect prohibition to be successful. It doesn’t mean I can’t have it on my action plan. The problem with alcohol is that its side effects tend to bleed over and well, kill other people. Drunken parents drive their kids the wrong way on the Taconic Parkway. Drunk parents beget and abuse children, who then become drunk parents. Drunk people get into fights and kill each other all the time.

Samuel Johnson said, “He who makes himself a beast, gets rid of the pain of being a man.” No-no. We’ll be having none of that now.

The only people we can trust with alcohol are those who are too young to drive, own guns, or parent children. It is only for the children we must keep alcohol. Once you get your driver’s license, you will lose that privilege. If you have a child before you are eligible for a driver’s license, you have bigger problems than alcohol.

Sure, you may ask, what about wine and other alcoholic beverages that are essential to religious rites and rituals?

This leads us to the next and last step of our action plan…

5. Prohibition of Religion

Sure, there are the usual arguments that more wars have been fought and more blood spilt over religion than any other cause. Sure, there have been thousands of years of religious hegemony and persecution. Sure, most bigotry is justified by pious villains who interpret passages from a poorly conceived, antiquated document that is so unpopular that its followers have taken to planting it in hotel rooms in the event someone might mistake it for the local phone book and make off with it.

These are not the reasons God must die. Religion must be prohibited because devotion to God by its very nature, means letting go and placing yourself entirely in God’s hands. This is the very opposite of personal responsibility. George Bush would be personally responsible for two illegitimate wars… if God didn’t tell him he needed to do it.

And by the way, if you’re looking for absolution from someone who is in no way a participant in your “sin,” you’re looking in the wrong place. Personal responsibility is supposed to be personal.

If you don't agree with me, let me hear it or kill yourself and let me read about it. Peace.

Will No One Rid Me of This Turbulent Priest?

2009-11-20T01:16:00.003-05:00

I love Richard Burton.

Tonight, I spilled some beer on my floor to commemorate what could have been his 84^th birthday. As I was wondering why I spilled it on my own floor and not someone else’s (or perhaps out the window), I tried to figure out what my favorite Richard Burton movie is. The funny thing is, I love him more for the movies he hated doing.

Go ahead and tell me that you didn’t love him in Exorcist 2: The Heretic. Scream at me that he was awful in Alexander the Great. Sure, he was fabulous in Equus, but did you see him in his spectacular performance as John Molnar in The Medusa Touch? Of course you didn’t. Nobody did. Just me and the a-holes who made it.

Actually, I met the screenwriter way back when I was a college student. I can’t remember his name but he was lecturing about his Oscar-winning screenplay for Ghandi. From The Medusa Touch to Ghandi in five years… Only in America.

My favorite film of Burton’s was Becket. Becket told the story of Henry II (played by Peter O’Toole) and his best friend, Sir Thomas Becket (Burton). What a story…

Becket was the Lord Chancellor and Henry’s best friend. He is also said to have invented the fork… something that still confounded my maternal step-grandmother centuries later. When the Archbishop of Canterbury died, Henry II took the opportunity to install his trusted friend as the new Archbishop. Becket was agnostic. Can you see where this is going?

Becket ended up taking his new job very, very seriously. Agnostic no more, he bought himself fur underwear – underwear he never took off. That’s right… NEVER. He was self-flagellating by flatulating. Seriously, if I go more than a day without changing my 100% cotton boxers, I break out in a rash. Imagine what that was like for Becket. It was said that when he died and they removed his clothing there were all sorts of insects crawling in and out of the underwear and feeding off of his flesh. Yikes.

Anyway, while it usually takes going to prison to find Jesus, it is definitely much rarer to find Him after being appointed to the second most important position in England. Perhaps this was why Henry II was beside himself with Becket’s continual refusal to hand over control of the Church to him. He saw it as an utter and perpetual betrayal of his lifelong friendship and sponsorship. The rift widened and Henry II, a big drinker, started getting loud about it around court. One night, during a particularly angry, wine-induced tirade with a bunch of drunken knights, Henry screamed, “Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?”